See Me? - 7/28/2003

My war is far from won
I'm standing here
Holding an empty gun
My efforts lost
Upon a churning sea
I'm tired of loosing
My pathetic dreams
I'm no help
Another mouth to feed
I can't help
But wonder if they'd
Be better without me
I have to sit here
And watch my life
Sift through my hands
And tell you it's ok
Because I don't want
To be a bother
Last time was a false alarm
Why not this time too
And you wonder why I'm negative
And the glass
Is broken on the floor
It's because I start to hope
A small wisp of it
And it's almost immediately shattered
Against the rocks of reality
Reality is harsh
And my minds defenses are weak
It's a strong wind
Against a small flickering candle
And a crushing blow
To a new born butterfly
I'm tired of watching
It hovering over the brink
And all the tears
That aren't cried by me
And the tension
And the arguments
And the wanting to give in
And the praying to the god
Who I don't think can hear
I'm hiding
And wishing I could
Just lay down
In a bed
And die
And you could be there
If you wanted
And I want them to know
It's not their fault
When I'm not there to tell them
That I just wanted to help
The cause
Of destroying reality
And I want
With the end of this poem
The end of my worries
And the end of the pain
And maybe just
Some blood
A cut on my wrist
Only one
To release the blood
I want to scream
Till I shatter
And you wonder why I'm pessimistic
And maybe you wonder
why I ask you with this look
if you're happy
Because I'm hoping that you are
So I can be too
But it's not working
Because others happiness
Doesn't help me anymore
And I wish it still did
Because then I would feel better
When I hug you
But all that's running through
Is how I'm afraid I'm loosing
Loosing the battle
Loosing my life
Quicker then I should
And I try to hold on tighter
But it just slips
Like grains of sand
Through my embrace
And I want to talk to you
But I when I could
I can't seem to open my mouth
And I just block it out
And with locked lips
I want to press so hard
Into you
So I can just loose myself
In my senses
But my mind refuses
To stop running
My failures through my mind
I just want to cry
But I never can
Around you
Because I practiced
So long
Not to let that happen
And I go home
And fall into a sleep
And dream of locked doors
And drowning
In a glass box
So I can still see
My loved ones pain
And I dream of cutting
Cutting up and down
My arms
And my sides
Till my clothes
Are drenched in blood
And I'm standing
In a pool of my own blood
And I wake up
And my body doesn't want to move
Wants to go back
To the nightmares
And I get up
And go see my mom crying
And my brothers fighting
So I go and put myself in my room
I'm trying
To hide from their reality
But it's not working
And so I sit and wish all day
That I could just find my blades
And feel better
And I cry
And my mom complains
Because she never sees me
And I want to cry again
And explain
What I'm doing
But then
She'll worry
And think I'll hurt myself
So I can't
And everyone looks at me again
I think
And wonders if I'm ok
And it hurts
To not be able to just tell
And I wish
I was young enough again
That I wouldn't care
But I'm not
And I can't remember
I'm dying
And I wish it would go faster
And yet
I am afraid of the end
And this is the end.

AN:In hopes that in reading this you'll finally understand...
I'm going through many problems right now. I wrote this poem and sent it to my duck, to try to help him understand. But I think it may make it worse.